Reasons People Get Addicted to Sex and Porn - Part 3 - Lifetraps; How We See Ourselves In The World

Reasons People Get Addicted to Sex and Porn - Part 3 - Lifetraps; How We See Ourselves In The World

Addictive behaviours don't take hold because they are desirable and pleasurable. They serve a purpose and while that purpose exists the behaviours will continue. Addictive behaviours patterns are dysfunctional ways of dealing with something so to promote recovery work we have to identify the function of the dysfuntion. Often the function of these behaviours is to regulate intolerable emotional states as they provide a self-soothing escape and relief. In previous blogs I have explored the role of relationships and trauma experiences in leading to those emotional states (these can also in turn give rise to surface symptoms like stress, anxiety, depressive states, low self-worth and so on). In this blog I will be exploring the role of 'Lifetraps' - a term coined by Jeffrey Young in his book 'Re-Inventing Your Life'. Lifetraps as presented in Young's work are limitations placed upon us by our own beliefs about ourselves alongside our assumptions about how the world operates.

They are 'traps' in the sense that they hold us back from achieving what we want to in life but also on a psychological level they constrain our creative energies. As an example, believing that one is not 'good enough', entraps you because you hold back from taking risks and going out into the world of work or relationships. Another commonly occuring scenario is someone who finds it impossible to discuss their problems and emotional health so that they frequently struggle to manage life events or be 'avaliable' in relationships. All of these scenarios have the potential to give rise to stress and anxieties which make life harder to cope with. Addictive behaviours become a way of coping with that stress.

So when working with recovery an addict has to become attuned to their core beliefs and assumptions and begin to challenge them. In doing this, addicts can not only get some relief from the stress but also begin to make new choices about their behaviours and take new risks.

Several Lifetraps can co-exist and this makes unravelling them a little more perplexing. For example, a core belief that one should always put other's needs first (self-sacrificing / people-pleasing) is often interwoven with a lifetrap of abandonment. Self-sacrificing is an attempt at guaranteeing the emotional and psychological security that comes from others' validation of our good deeds and means they will not reject us.

Understanding Lifetraps is a key recovery strategy for many addicts - by lessening the stress and anxiety created by them, addicts can also diminsh the need for a self-medicating addiction pattern. As well as that, loosening the grip of Lifetraps allows an addict to redefine their outlook on themselves and the world and then make new sorts of choices that are life enhancing.

I'll round off this blog by talking about a subjugation Lifetrap or, as it is referred to in the book as the 'I always do it your way' schema. Those who subjugate do this unaware of the pattern they have unconsciously adopted that makes them constantly give in to others' needs and demands. On the surface it feels like they are being helpful. At a deeper level they are meeting their own emotional need for acceptance, approval and validation. They may well have a background of having to appease adults in order to be noticed or get love. Subjugating goes hand in hand with fragile self-esteem so the tendency to satisfy others' needs first becomes a permanent emotional prop.

Work on subjugation is on several levels. One is beginning to notice when the tendency to put others' needs first is not the most appropriate course of action, for example, when it brings about negative outsomes for either party. Asking the questions, 'why am I trying too hard to do this for this person instead of putting myself first?', and 'what am I getting out of this dynamic, except further demands?' are useful starting points. Exploring what the real purpose of the subjugation tendency might be will usually point to low self-worth, a need for external validation or worry about being 'left out'. These aspects of self can then be worked on as part of recovery. A later stage will be to experiment with choosing alternative strategies such saying 'no' or prioritising one's own needs and wishes. Linked to this will be learning how to manage the possible guilt about not helping, or managing the pleas from the other person to be helped.

Underneath almost all addiction are disproportionately dominant Lifetraps or core beliefs and knowing them and diminishing their effect of draining an addicts resources is an essential goal in recovery journeys.