The Effect of Porn and Sex Addiction on Relationships
A high number of clients seek help for their compulsive porn and sex-related behaviours because their relationship with their partner is put at risk. Until their partners say that they are unhappy or worse, ready to leave, because of the behaviours, many addicts do not even recognise their behaviours as unhealthy or potentially damaging. They stay in denial until something bad happens or is imminent.
Many men in particular bring their addictive behaviours into a committed relationship and continue with them in secret – such as looking at porn on-line or sexting – and somehow convince themselves that this is okay because most men do it or they ‘need’ it as an escape from stress or boredom. This is distorted thinking; most are not doing it and there are other more productive and healthy ways to relieve boredom or stress.
Men in this cycle of compulsive behaviours that find it difficult to stop and continue to deny they have a problem should get help before it is too late and their relationships are threatened or broken for good. Even where couples overcome the hurt and conflict of the discovery of the behaviours, it can take many years for the trust to re-build. Not dealing with the behaviours may mean they will be carried forward into the next relationship starting the cycle all over again. These men may never experience a long-term relationship because their addictive behaviours have a stronger hold on them than they are willing to admit.
What stops us making changes that would make our lives so much better?
There is a quotation from the famous thinker Goethe that goes like this “”Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth, that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision”.
As you are reading this you will may well be feeling a resistance to taking the next step to get support in changing something about yourself even though it is giving you discomfort.
Don’t worry – this is a normal, natural human trait – our brains very easily become locked into automatic ways of thinking (the so-called ‘rut’) and we become locked into a comfort zone even though it might be positively UNcomfortable.
Most people who go to a therapist or counsellor have gone through this stage – sometimes labelled’contemplation’ because you are thinking about change – but probably let things get so bad that they were pushed into getting help rather than chosing freely. Choosing to get help sooner rather than later will make change that little bit easier – you have chosen to change of course so are more in charge, but also the problems may be addressed before they get quite so entrenched or complex and therefore more UNmanageable.
What else makes us slow to get help and make change when it is needed to prevent our relationships, health and work suffering the consequences?
In a book ‘Thinking Fast and Slow’ we can find an answer to this question. The writer tells us about the 2 functions of the brain – known as system 1 and system 2. System 1 is our personal automatic pilot and helps us get through the day without thinking too hard – but fast. System 2 is slow thinking, but thinking that takes effort (remember when you learnt to do maths or drive a car?) and its this effort that we unconsciously like to avoid.
We know that making important changes in our lives or giving up old habits or difficult behaviours is going to take effort – finding a specialist, going to sessions, experimenting with new behaviours and thought processes. But talk to anyone who has come out the other side of the change process and they will say that the hardest part is where you are now – fighting the resistance to change. As Goethe says, once the decision is made, all sorts of novel and beneficial things can happen all contributing to a better quality of life – why wait?!