Many partners contact me for help and information about how to deal with their partner’s compulsive sexual behaviours. If this is your situation you might find the following reflections from my dealings with partners helpful.
How Esteem Therapy can help partners – I can offer partners counselling support during a difficult time of discovery, disclosure or during the aftermath of the addiction coming into the open. This work is for partners of addicts only as I cannot then go on to work with the addict having developed a therapeutic ‘alliance’ with the aggrieved partner. Therefore if a partner wants to get help for their addicted other half then that individual needs to be the one coming to do the work whilst the partner seeks help with a generalist counsellor.
Sometimes partners seek help from me as to what they can do to help their addict spouse or boy/girlfriend. Partners do best by looking after themselves and if their addict partner won’t get help or take other measures to stop the behaviours then they are probably best moving out even if for the short term and sending the message that the behaviours are unwanted in the relationship.
Addicts won’t change unless they somehow find the motivation to do so – usually suddently found when discomfort from the consequences of the behaviours hits home hard – partner moves out, job is lost, too much cash is spent or a STD is contracted etc. Addicts who come to treatment grudgingly based on their partners request solely are unlikely to be ready to accept they need to change – yet! Unmotivated addicts coming to a few sessions may create a bit of false security and space but this is a fix that ultimately fails.
How partners can manage the situation – partners of those with compulsive behaviours are almost always NOT the reason for the ‘acting out’. Partners very rarely, if at all, are the ’cause’ – relationship issues can sometimes exacerbate the need for compulsive acting out (through sex, drink, drugs, gambling etc) but usually the ‘need’ pre-dates the relationship – even a long one.
Addicts at some point when self-motivated take responsibility for finding out about and understanding the factors pushing them to act out – partners should resist taking on this role as they are too close emotionally and can become entwined in the problem.
Partners of addicts should also repel the urge to try and control their addict spouse/partner’s behaviours. This ‘policing’ role is a demanding one and also virtually impossible to be successful at – the nature of compusion means that an addict will be compelled to act out regardless of the checks and controls a partner tries to put in place.
Partners will put themselves on a risky path of stress and anxiety by taking on the responsibility to control – when their addict other half acts out again they will also open themselves up to blame because they didn’t do enough. The one thing that partners of addicts most certainly can’t do is to cure their addict spouse/boyfriend. They are simply signing up to the addiction dynamics by doing this and the compulsive behaviours become another dimension to the relationship that the couple revolve around.
If an addict is not ready to get help – one possible strategy for a suffering partner is to set a deadline – say 4/8 weeks – by which time their compulsive other half should be either stopping and showing signs of a revised lifestyle (spending time with partner/family, no unaccounted-for time, no over-use of internet access etc) or seeking professional help. A loudly-voiced sanction should accompany any plan by addicts to make changes it not be met – ‘I’m moving out’. If the deadline is not met – move out!
Steve