When partners discover their significant other is possibly a sex addict or porn addict an explosion happens. Like uncovering an affair they are likely to feel very angry, shocked, numbed and confused. These feelings will often be overwhelming and the aggrieved partner will be left swinging from one intense emotion to another.
It is common, natural and very human to react in this way. The explosion creates a fire that rages out of control while both partners try to cope with the impact of the addiction revelations.
But rather than getting the explosion and consequent fire under control the opposite happens. It is typical and natural for many partners to go into ‘control’ or ‘policing’ mode where they want to put reins on their partner and investigate every detail. Addictive partners will stop the behaviours or decrease them significantly when their secret is out and may be very relieved that at last someone else knows. It is a good time for partners to focus their energy on getting support for themselves and looking after their own mental health.
As time moves on the raging fire settles down enough for the couple to begin doing some positive re-building. In this scenario the flames eventually die out leaving embers which eventually expire. But human nature being what it is, many partners find it hard to allow the fire to go out – this represents forgiveness and it is too soon for that lest the behaviours resume. It is common for partners to throw petrol on the flames or embers to keep the heat on. They want to punish their partner for their bad behaviours. Sex and porn addiction seems instinctively bad and punishable to most partners – but often this conversation just hasn’t been had.
Getting help from a professional porn addiction counsellor or even a trusted family member or listening friend can help to resist this natural but destructive urge. Allowing the flames to recede and letting the embers extinguish and scatter enables the relationship to move forward and for the addiction to be managed. Feeding the fire only helps to prolong the pain and may also fuel the addictive behaviours. This is not to suggest that porn and sex addiction have to be treated lightly but the quickest way to re-building the relationship is not allowing the fire to get out of control so that it spreads and engulfs all the positive aspects.