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Why This, Why That, and Why


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Why This, Why That, and Why

If you haven’t heard this song before, a collaboration between Jean Michel Jarre and the Swiss band Yello, then I recommend it highly.  I was struck by a verse that goes like this:


When I was thrown into this planet

I didn’t know what was going on

I was messing with my pacifier

All day long.


I think the song is all about the same topic as the usual type of pop song lyric and is something along the lines of ‘why are we here and what is life all about?’ But this line has a special meaning to anyone addicted to sex and porn.


When we are uncertain of our direction or our life feels meaningless, when we feel un-valued, rejected or confused we look to a ‘pacifier’ to help us through.  I love this verse because it captures the essence of what addiction is all about.


Sex addiction or porn addiction are grown-up, modern day pacifiers and provide the same comfort that a baby gets when it sucks on one.  For others, alcohol, drugs, food or gambling might be the ‘pacifier’. The pacifier takes us back to our critical first moments when we were soothed when being held close and fed by our mums.


How many of these do you battle with on a day to day basis?


  • always criticising and dissatisfied with self
  • feeling unworthy or flawed in some way
  • taking criticism badly
  • fearing making wrong decisions
  • always angry and hostile and ready to explode
  • resisting enjoying life whilst preferring being negative about everything.


Pass the pacifier please! Sex addiction and porn addiction have an impact on an addict’s brain that soothes away these negative feelings and psychological struggles.


Sex addicts and pornography addicts are not mad for sex or sexually arousing pornography images but fixated on the medicating effect on the brain.


Counselling and therapy for sex and porn addiction works on the principle that its not sex that is the target of the addiction.  Soothing away, pacifier-like, is the end-product.  Just as for an alcoholic its not the taste of the drink but the blotting out of the feelings that is addictive. Esteem Therapy based in Yorkshire helps clients to understand their triggers whether the pacifier is he she porn, pornbug or powerporn.


Sadly, there is no answer in the song but for sex and porn addiction there is – counselling-based treatment with a trained therapist in porn addiction can help unravel the patterns and provide answers to the big question, ‘why?’.  It also provides tools and techniques that make stopping way, way more straightforward and quicker than it takes to learn to drive.

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